So here I am. 10 months later. Absence says it all on a weight loss blog, right?!
I'd love to tell you all how I've lost the weight, look wonderful and feel amazing. But I'd be lying.
I've no excuses to offer. I don't find it hard to lose weight. I'm not lacking the knowledge on how to do it. I don't have a slow metabolism or a thyroid problem. I'm not too busy. I'm not too socially active. I'm not too skint or depressed.
I really like food. I really like food. I love eating in, eating out, trying new things, revisiting old, eating for comfort, eating for pleasure, eating because I'm fed up, eating because I'm anxious, eating because I'm bored, eating because I'm celebrating, eating because I'm a 'foodie'.
I have a very lovely partner who loves me fat or thin, because he loves what's inside. I have some lovely friends and don't have any trouble making new ones. I get promotions based on my merit. I'm intelligent and creative. I am (seemingly) confident and 'bubbly'. I'm so much more than the number on the scales but...
My size 18/20 clothes are tight. I weigh nearly 17 stone. I recoil when I see a bad photo of myself (which is basically all of them). I prayed to god (or rather Michael O'Leary) that my seat belt would do up on a recent flight (it did, just). I feel lazy and lethargic and frumpy...
Yet still I find it hard to come to terms with the fact that I am overweight. It bothers me. I think about it at least twice a day, if not more. I have trouble accepting that I am fat because I am greedy and I have no self- control. I have trouble, in truth, accepting the fact that I am fat at all. I guess this is what denial is. I tell myself that I have no health problems, and that I carry it well, and that a BMI of around 34 is really perfectly acceptable because I'm only obese, right? It's not like I'm morbidly obese!, and that no one sees me as fat because I'm tall. I'll have just one more day of complete over-indulgence because tomorrow will somehow be miraculously different. Tomorrow I'll change my life forever and I'll eat macrobiotic, just like Gwyneth!
I need to go back to basics. My most successful weight loss attempts by a mile are when I've used the weight watchers-esque approach. I don't know anything about 'points' but I do know that when I allow myself a sensible amount of calories per day and earn extra through exercise, it works! When I don't beat myself up over the odd bar of chocolate I don't go completely off the rails- I just accept it, track it and move on. All or nothing does not work for me. I cannot sustain it and end up binging, sometimes for weeks on end. I completely adopt the 'ah well I've blown it now' mentality and really go for it!
I wonder if I can retain this information for more than a day.
I'm right there with you, apart from I was 17 stone... and now I'm 20 stone! Even though I feel gross, my knees hurt and my tummy rests on my thighs when I sit, I still can't get motivated to do anything about it. My brain just says "oh no not AGAIN!"
ReplyDeleteHi! Just saw your comment on Peridot's blog and thought I'd pop over and comiserate. A lot of what you said in this post rang very true with me. I choose to believe that 2013 will be our year - the one thing we can't do is give up.
ReplyDeleteWishing you a very merry Christmas and hope to see more blog posts in the new year :-)
Sx
2013 is your year! Keep your chin up and keep going.
ReplyDeleteYou can do it!! Blogging often is a powerful tool for keeping you accountable. Sounds to me like you have a strong-willed chimp (it's a scientufic theory of the mind put forwards by a psychiatrist called Dr Steve Peters....check it out). If you could work out how to work wirh your inner chimp, you'll have success!
ReplyDeleteIt worked (well, it is working) for me and I was nearly 20 stone in 2007.
Dont give up. Keep sight of the good stuff but dont forget weightloss and getting fit as a worthwhile aim. You CAN do it!!
All the best for 2013.
Lesley x